


S02E??: The Trojan Car

by goodloser



Series: The Lost Episodes [2]
Category: Transformers - All Media Types, Transformers Generation One
Genre: Canon Compliant, Crushes, Eavesdropping, Gen, Gift Giving, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Humor, Movie Night
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-01
Updated: 2020-09-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:49:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26235163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goodloser/pseuds/goodloser
Summary: FAN EPISODE: Blitzwing gets an idea from learning about the Trojan Horse, and the Decepticons give a car-version to the Autobots as a "gift". Hound misses his movie. Ravage tries to keep the unruly Rumble and Frenzy in order. While inside the car, the three of them overhear a little bit more about the Autobots than they would've liked. Oh, and Red Alert is right for once.
Series: The Lost Episodes [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1620976
Kudos: 4





	1. First Half

**Author's Note:**

> i really get the feeling this already happened in the series but i don't remember it happening but if it did pretend it's a rewrite lol
> 
> every time you see the horizontal rule you have to make the eyecatch noise in your head!

It was impossible to ever get any peace and quiet around the Decepticon base. Or the Autobot’s for that matter, but only Soundwave really knew the extent of Cliffjumper’s running around yelling and Red Alert’s paranoia and the Twins’ pranks. As far as they were concerned, the rowdy unruly Decepticons had the long end of the stick this time. And it was a necessity, after all, because it translated to brashness and strength in battle, but on downtimes? Oh boy.

A mech could dream though. Megatron was doing just that. He was catching the early end of the morning rations; when less mechs would be hanging around the usually-bustling mess hall. Thundercracker (a fellow early riser) was there too and gave Megatron a polite nod over his cube. The Insecticons were off to one corner, too, (crepuscular creatures surely) but they didn’t seem to have noticed him. That was fine with him, of course — hearing their chittering and vocal quirks might give him a processor ache this early in the day.

He got a hefty ration for himself (a larger frame needed more fuel) after all, and sat down to pour over a poetry text, and then his itinerary. He had meetings once breakfast was over; strategies, logistics, intelligence. He gave a quiet sigh to himself. Maybe he should take a day off.

“Megatron!”

Oh.

Oh no.

He put his datapad down to see Blitzwing barrelling towards him with a wide grin spread across his face, flashing his sharp teeth. He groaned internally.

When Blitzwing stopped at his table, waving fists in excitement, Megatron said “That’s  _ Lord _ Megatron to you,” in lieu of a real greeting.

“Right, right, Lord Megsy, well listen to  _ this,  _ I just got the best idea for a plan ever!”

“What  _ is _ it, Blitzwing.” Yes, what was the plan, but mostly, why  _ him? _

Blitzwing’s hands began to form shapes of some apparent story. “Well, last night I was watchin’ this movie with ‘Train —”

“You  _ know _ I don’t quite appreciate human… media.”

“Okay, sure, so I was watchin’ this movie, well it was like this cool thing based on real events or nothin’? And Astrotrain was actually pretty into it, I guess ‘cuz he was learnin’ and he likes that nerdy junk or war films or whatever. And in it they had this big ol’ horse made of that Earth tree stuff and, Pits, ‘Train said something real —”

_ “Please _ get to the point. And quickly.” Megatron resisted the urge to pinch the bridge of his brow.

“Okay okay, so they built this giant horse and they hid a bunch of soldiers in it, getcha? And then they gave it to the city they were at war with all sayin’ slag like, ‘It’s a cool gift!’ And the city fell for it! An’ they brought it in and at night the soldiers came out and slaughtered everyone and they won!”

Megatron paused lifting his cube to his mouth and rubbed his chin in thought. Okay. Yes… This might actually be an idea worth entertaining. “I can’t say I’m not intrigued. Very well, Blitzwing, come to the strategy meeting at 0900 hours.”

“Sure thing, boss.” Blitzwing smacked the table he was sitting at, rattling its contents.

* * *

“This is so stupid,” Hook muttered. “Utterly ridiculous.”

At the meeting, Blitzwing had slapped Scrapper on the back and yelled, “What do those Autodorks love more than cars? We can give them a huge car!”

So there the Constructicons were. Bonecrusher was helping direct Scrapper and Long Haul to bring material out to their site, where Mixmaster spinning his tank and Hook was shaking his head as he checked over his blueprints. Of course, they were engineering perfection, but  _ only _ done at Megatron’s request, because this plan was simply asinine. How Blitzwing had managed to convince their leader, he had no idea.

(Well. He would be the first to admit Megatron’s plans were more often than not a similar strain of utterly foolish, and if only  _ he’d _ been given more free reign to draw up some ideas for getting a foot in the door in the war, but oh  _ no,  _ he was relegated to the intensive medical duties, and — well, that was brooding for another day.)

“Transform and get over here when you’re done, Scrapper. I need your help with something. You too, Scavenger, I’ll give you the plans and you can begin with setting up the rivet gun. Long Haul, keep doing what you’re doing.”

“Sure thing, Hook,” Scavenger said, although he seemed to fidget with the gun a little. His shoulders were hunched over. “But I… Do we  _ really _ have to do this.”

Hook wiped a frustrated hand over his brow. “I know, I know. It’s an idiotic idea. Another in a long line of failures, I’m sure, but it’s Megatron’s orders.”

“Rubber’s ready,” Mixmaster called. “Pass me the steel cord.”

At least it was better than the giant fake Devastator he’d had them build that one time. That plan was truly  _ disastrous. _

* * *

“Hey! They’re rerunning  _ Troy!” _

A good gathering of the Autobots were sitting around the console, watching Earth TV. Hound, in particular, was at the forefront. He was eager as ever to learn more about the human way of life. Behind him were Jazz, Perceptor (eager to learn more of Earth history), Red Alert (rather, more out of learning security tactics than anything else), and the Twins. Ratchet was off to the side; he was only half-watching it while engaged in a conversation with Wheeljack who wanted to get a good look at ancient Earth technology. Blaster was milling about the room somewhere with a datapad; probably writing up a report but appreciative the noise in the background.

“This ol’ thing again?” Jazz tilted his head. “Now I coulda sworn they were playin’ this one last night.”

“It is currently ‘History Week’ on this television channel,” Perceptor explained. “And, well, I suppose they already ran out of films to display.”

Hound flapped his hands. “Shh, guys! The armies are about to talk.”

“Where is Troy anyway? I heard of Greece an’ all, but it must be a pretty small little country.”

Perceptor continued, “Troy was an ancient city in what is currently modern-day Turkey. It —”

_ “Percy!” _

“I shouldn’t be here. I need to be at the camera stations.” Red Alert made to stand up, but Sideswipe grabbed his arm and pulled him back down.

“Come on, Red. Lighten up a little. Primus knows you need it.”

Hound rolled his eyes, though he didn’t turn his head from the screen. “You guys are the worst movie buddies ever.”

Out of the corner of his eye, he heard Wheeljack mumble something about something called an aqueduct while he waved his hands in description.

The room suddenly darkened in flashes of red light as the alarm sounded, blaring a grating noise over the speech of the movie. Hound cursed. They were just getting to one of the good parts. He was slow to react because of that, but Jazz and the Twins were quick on the upbeat, guns primed and ready to fire. The three of them transformed, but waited to see what Teletraan-I had to say about it.

Sure enough, a camera flashed up on the screen as soon as Optimus (who’d been reading logs in his office) entered the room.

Teletraan-I’s voice was discordantly smooth and comfortable. “Intruder alert. Intruder alert. Decepticons seen heading towards the entrance with a foreign object.”

Hound gaped when he finally made out what the camera was showing them.

There was Thundercracker and Soundwave, surely heading down the desert to the Ark, but they were pushing a… a big car. A car as tall as they were. It was a Cybertronian model made of metal and painted a bright red, with huge wheels that rolled steadily along the ground. There was an Autobot logo on it.

“What in the  _ Pits? _ ” Sunstreaker cried. “Who  _ is _ that?”

“It has no life signal,” Teletraan-I replied. “It is likely a model.”

Red Alert’s fingers flew to cover his mouth. “Oh Primus. Oh Primus. It’s a bomb. It’s — it’s  _ something, _ a virus, or —”

Optimus lifted a hand. “If those Seekers are pushing it, I’m sure it’s nothing as absurd as biological warfare, Red Alert. Everyone, let’s go see what they have to say.”

The group stepped outside to see Skywarp and Thundercracker mumbling to themselves, though most notably — they didn’t bring any guns that the Autobots could see. The Autobots kept their guns trained on them, which Optimus couldn’t help but find unfortunately cowardly.

“Lower your weapons, everyone,” he rumbled in that deep voice of his. “Thundercracker, Skywarp. What… what are you doing?”

Soundwave bowed (Red Alert flinched). “Presenting: Gift from Lord Megatron.”

A beat passed.

“A gift.”

Red Alert whispered feverishly into Jazz’s audials. “A trap! It’s a trap, I  _ know _ it!”

Thundercracker caught onto him. “It’s not a trap. It’s really a gift. The start of a peace offering, really.”

Every word Optimus spoke was measured; he was carefully considering this and its implications. “And he sent you two because you’re much more amicable than, say, the Slagmaker himself.”

“Affirmative.”

“Skywarp wanted to tag along, but I said he’d scare the lot of you with a prank or something,” Thundercracker shrugged.

“Question: Will Optimus Prime accept?”

“Dude.” Sideswipe pointed. “Why is it a car. A really big one.”

“A big ol’ statue. I know, I know. Blitzwing thought of it and he’s, uh, not the brightest of the bunch.”

Sunstreaker folded his arms and turned his nose up. “Hmph. That sorry little thing?  _ I’d _ rather have a tub of the  _ finest _ polish, thank you very much.”

Soundwave and Thundercracker exchanged glances. “Request: Autobots may provide gift preferences. Megatron: Provide.”

Optimus tucked his hands behind his back. “I see. So Megatron is really serious about this, then?”

“Sure thing.”

“Ha!” Jazz piped up. “I’d love nothin’ more than a dance-off! Heck, I’m sure Blaster’ll love a DJ battle with you, Sounders.”

“I want a new blaster,” Sideswipe yelled. “Something huge! After the  _ last _ explosion, I don’t trust Wheeljack no more.”

Optimus looked at his crew, and then Soundwave. “Will you two mind waiting? I’ll confer with the rest of the Autobots and bring you a list of… gift requests.”

“Affirmative.”

The group retreated inside, babbling about this early Christmas.

* * *

Frenzy kicked Rumble’s leg. “Your feet are pushing into my back, slagger!”

“As if  _ you’re _ doing any better.” In return, Rumble smacked Frenzy’s midsection. “Your stupid guns are digging into my thighs.”

“Stop it you two,” Ravage growled. “And be quiet. They can probably hear all the banging about you’re doing.”

_ [Yeah. We can hear you loud as day. You’re glad they went back inside to make some dumb decisions or whatever. Stay quiet until you’re inside. We probably won’t be able to come with you,] _ Thundercracker’s voice filtered through their shared comms channel.

It worked momentarily, but in short order Rumble and Frenzy were bickering again. One thing lead to another and Frenzy punched Rumble in the jaw, which lead to him falling over into Laserbeak, who squawked in utter  _ indignation _ and tried to fly to the other side of the space, where Ravage was. It was dark though (their optics dimmed to prevent light from spilling out of any seams) and she collided with him.

“Oh that’s  _ it.” _

Ravage stalked over to where one of the twins was (which one, who even knew) and laid a pinprick down into his armour. “You. Two. Are.  _ Grounded.” _

“What!” It was Rumble’s turn to squawk. “You can’t ground us? We’re not sparklings, we’re older than Soundwave for Primus sake—”

“I don’t care.  _ I’m _ the oldest. So  _ I’m _ in charge. And you two are acting like sparklings anyway, I don’t care how old you are. When we get out of this mess, you two are relegated to quarters for two weeks.”

“Two whole weeks?!”

“Yes. And I will  _ know _ if you break it.” And with his point made, Ravage sat down on whoever he’d scratched. Rumble grumbled at the heavy weight pressing down into his chest.

“For the record, this is all  _ your _ fault,” he spat at where Frenzy was trying to crawl around to where Laserbeak was.

_ [You two are literally the worst,] _ Thundercracker commed again, although there was a definite note of amusement to his voice.

_ [... Agreement: Ravage’s punishment.] _

Frenzy threw his hands up as much as he could within the cramped compartment. “It ain’t even my fault though! It’s Blitzwing’s!”

“You take that back! Blitzwing’s plan is, like,  _ amazin' _ and—” Rumble faltered. “And, well, whatever.”

_ “Pfft. _ You don’t really think that. You’re just sayin’ it ‘cuz you’ve had a crush on him since whenever.”

“I do  _ not.” _

“Do too.”

“I don’t!”

“Do toooo.” Frenzy clapped his hands together and the sound reverberated through the cranny. “Rumble and Blitzwing sittin’ in a tree. F-R-A-G...G—”

(He hesitated on the weird beat.)

“That doesn’t even make sense, scraphead. At least I don’t have a thing for  _ Skywarp.” _

“Skywarp’s hot though.”

“He’s fun for pranks, yeah, but there’s nothin’ going in that dumb head of his.”

“Oh. My. Primus. You do  _ not _ think Blitzwing thinks about anything other than weird Earth sports.”

“Weird Earth sports are cool—”

Ravage had to do everything in his power to avoid yelling. “Laserbeak, can you clip Frenzy or something?”

Laserbeak did as told and there was a short yelp. He continued, “You couple of morons. Stop gossipping about who likes who and shut up.”

Thundercracker sounded like he was trying to hold back lafter.  _ [No, wait. You like Skywarp?] _

_ [Well, yeah,]  _ Frenzy replied through the comms.  _ [... Don’t tell him though.] _

_ [Hah. Sure thing.] _ (He was totally gonna tell.)

The conversation thankfully died down again.

_ [Observation: Autobots returning. Order: Silence.] _

* * *

Jazz had returned with a whole list of everyone on base wanting everything from energon to a new set of visors. Prowl wanted the Constructions to build him a nice new laserscribe, something with all the bells and whistles, although he did vocally agree the idea was stupid as all else. Cliffjumper spat that he’d  _ never _ want  _ anything _ from the Decepticons… and then agreed with Sideswipe that a new blaster for him would be nice though. (Ah, last Wednesday’s Wheeljack incident never failed to disappoint.)

Bumblebee, oddly enough, wanted Thundercracker’s comm number. What was  _ that _ all about? Soundwave also traded his with Blaster so they could organise their party and find whoever back at base wanted to join in. (The burly, surly bunch would  _ never _ agree to such a ridiculous idea… well, except maybe Brawl and Vortex, who could tear it up on the dancefloor like nothing else.)

Optimus wanted a new copy of Megatron’s manifesto, since he’d broken his, and signed would be very nice. Ratchet needed a new set of untempered visors, he’d run out of supplies for that one. Wheeljack wanted one of Shockwave’s devices to reverse engineer (the scientist would never agree to such a thing, although maybe he  _ could _ part with a hover-gun or something.)

“Soundwave: Gives gratitudes,” had said after meticulously logging every one of the Autobot’s demands. And then he and Thundercracker were returning to the  _ Nemesis _ without a single battle breaking out, thank the Afterspeak.

Thundercracker dipped his tailfins in an expression similar to a raised eyebrow. “Do you think this is gonna amount to anythin’?”

“Negative.”

“Right, right. Well, you’ll be on call for when those four need extraction.”

* * *

Hound helped Bumblebee wheel the car inside the base. Conversationally, he said, “This must be solid metal or something. It’s really heavy.”

“It’s not cast though,” Bumblebee pointed out a rivet on the back of the statue. Just like him as a scout to notice a little detail like that.

“Oh yeah. Hey, maybe there really is a bomb inside,” he laughed and elbowed Bumblebee.

Red Alert’s voice came to them through pursed lips over the speakers. “I resent that, thank you very much. Whatever it is, I’m keeping an eye on it. And I say, I am looking forward to telling all of you I told you so.

… No, no I’m not, oh Heavens, what will happen…” His mumblings over the intercom trailed off.

“Let’s put it in the common room,” Mirage had clapped his hands together when he’d seen them. “Right here, in the corner, it’ll certainly catch the optics, no?”

And it did, although maybe that was less because of ping-shui and more because it was bigger than half the bots on base. As soon as it was in there, Perceptor was scanning it through his scope with interesting, one finger to his chin.

“The construction is marvelous. Even the finish is high quality — sealed, so it won’t get scratched unless you really wanted it to. How lovely.”

“That must be them Constructions that built it,” Wheeljack laughed and slapped Perceptor on the back. (He fell over.)

Hoist and Grapple were nosing at it too. “I must say,” Grapple began, “It’s awfully… garish, don’t you think?”

Cliffjumper huffed. “Yeah. Why a car? They shoulda made it of Optimus or something. Or the greatest Autobot warrior:  _ me.” _

“I don’t know about that,” Bumblebee laughed and pet Cliffjumper’s soldier. One of his hands was on his hip, and he was eyeing the statue with a kind of admiration.

Although Hound was excited by his prospect of an Earth souvenir (a satellite dish, maybe? A TV? He hoped the Cons were as good at picking out gifts as they were at writing up crazy schemes), he was a little sullen he missed his movie. He’d been so excited for it, too. He pouted and returned to the console to see what was on now. Oh,  _ Titanic, _ cool. This one wasn’t quite as historic, though Perceptor still joined in anyway, frowning at the more lurid romantic details.  _ Especially _ when the protagonists interfaced in the car. “How very uncouth,” he tutted.

But while Hound was engrossed in the ship’s lower levels flooding and the humans screaming in terror (the poor things couldn’t breathe underwater as they used oxygen as a continuous fuel source), there was something nagging at him in the back of his mind. How  _ did _ that movie end, anyway? Something about a wooden horse, right?


	2. Intermission

**The TRANSFORMERS will return after these messages.**

[ **** ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BEMlvjJ9uxo)

**We now return to an episode of the TRANSFORMERS.**


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